"How Come God Won't Let Us Have Another Baby?"

This is one of the rare questions I get from my 5 year old as I barely discuss my IVF process with him. With my seven year old, I do tell him that I am going to be going to the doctor a lot in the next month but I am not sick. I tell my oldest that I need a little help from Doctors to have another brother or sister for him. Logan doesn't know where babies come from but I believe he thinks they come from doctors and/or God. Jackson on the other hand see me raising my fist in jealously for the Duggars of almost 19 kids or families with multiples or when my friend with 5 kids comes over. He sees me pray for a baby with them at the end of their bedtime prayers or cry when another procedure fails. I try not to burden the little ones too much and let them know how special they are to me and how happy I was to have them. They love their birth stories and I tell the stories with a little embellishment here and there. My Mom worries that they'll feel like "they are not enough for me or that I overburden them with my fertility problems too much". I really try not too but when I am hormonal, tired and short fused, I have to apologize. Or when I can not pick them up or swing them around or have to lay in bed for 3 days, I kinda have to explain things a little.

Back to the "God" question. Through this Infertility process I believe I have really grown as a Christian/Catholic/Religious person. I grew up believing that you get what you pray for. "God answers your prayers". Pray to your Guardian Angel, St. Rafael, St. Rita, Pope John Paul II, St. Gerard (I have 50 medals and prayer cards from St. Gerry)...Believe you me, I have prayed to them all and then some. Some IVF's I just prayed to a few, some to them all...
In Church, I pray and pray and pray. Barely can I kneel by The Blessed Virgin Mary without crying...I have balled my eyes out in Church. I even made the mistake of going to see the Hot, Young Priest who I thought would be cool to the ways of the young Catholic. Well, heck no. Don't you know that in the eyes of the Church that IVF is MORALLY EVIL!!!! I told the priest that I was not coming to him to ask for his permission to do IVF, I just needed some prayers and things I could do spiritually to get me through the next IVF. To be fair, he was just doing his job and he did give me some prayers and told me to pray to the angels and my guardian angel but after 40 minutes of me crying and my nose running, the hot, young priest stood up and ushered me out of his door. Don't think I'll be going back to the church for counseling.
Here is what I have learned though. I have taken comfort in praying both in and out of the church, my guardian angels I feel are looking out for me, I have angels on earth helping me (friends and family) and that God really is not telling me who could or could not get pregnant. I don't think he says "well, why don't we give Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar a 19th child and Melanie and Dan...let's make them go through another IVF cycle and throw in a cyst and how about some other problems.." I believe that God is really holding my hand and standing beside me and there for me for whatever happens. Yes, I will look back and say...well, now I understand. But for now, I do take comfort that he is here right now with his hand on my shoulder. He is also here saying "get off the computer and go watch a little TV and get to bed so you are not a grouch tomorrow!". UGG...gotta go stick myself in the stomach with some Follistim!

My Happy Ending

I am wondering what the ending of our story will be? We have been going through this for 3 years and I just want this all to be over. Today I went walking with an old highschool friend, Heather that lives in St. Charles. We reconnected at our 20 year highschool reunion. As we were catching up she was telling me how she adopted her amazing son, Christopher and about her fertility struggles. Well, I glomed onto her for the night as anyone who understands what we are going through most of all is those who have suffered through primary infertility or secondary infertilty. Her special story of adopting Christopher did not end there. Sometime after the reunion they amazingly got pregnant with their baby, Ellie. She is now a healthy 4 month old. Heather had never carried a baby to term, I think she had a couple of miscarriages, been throuh IVF, had only one fallopian tube and was told to get her other tube tied bc if she did the baby would most likely not attach. Her angel was born after she was lucky to privately adopt her Christopher. Relaxed after the adoption? Who knows if that is the reason but so many people report getting pg after they adopt and after years of infertility. My other friend Laura is pg with Twins. These are embryos from her first IVF over 8 years ago. She tried for 10 years to concieve Tina, used frozen embryos to conceive Gianna and from the same batch of embryos is now pg with twins. My friend Jennifer just gave birth this week after getting pg naturally with Kieran after doing 4 IVF's to concieve Kallen. My friend Julianne had her first son naturally and had to use a surrogate to concieve two different times with her 2nd son and daughter. All amazing stories! On the other hand there is the Michelle and JimBob Dugan family that is having Baby #19 next year! Crazy! Her vagina must be a cave and how about her bladder function?? Or one other close person in my life who should remain nameless who has the WORST health habits (pot smoker, overweight, light drinker etc) and gets pregnant with barely trying. Or another person who tried to sympathize with me and who has 5 children told me "When I got pg with my 5th I got down on my hands and knees and heard God say "take off the condom" and just like that, we were pg!" Swear to God. Truthfull story. This was supposed to help me. After running down the block she came back and told me this bible verse "seek and ye shall find". How is that supposed to help me through my next IVF???? Crazy! Another person who shall remain nameless (and had 7 children) told me that she hopes I accept what God gives me and what lies ahead. Thanks for that advice, Mother of 7...Everyone means well but those who have not been through it have to watch what they say. Please listen! Keep your "she's crazy" thoughts to yourself, we already know we are crazy. Plus we have exhorbatent amounts of hormones coarsing through our bodies so watch out! Don't tell us to be happy for what we already have. We already know that. We are luckier than childless couples trying to concieve. We KNOW how incredible special our kids are that are already here. We savor their every move. We wonder if we will ever have another biological child like them or hopefully adopt one that looks similiarily. We love them and cherish them but have a void in our hearts...we know one more is out there for us so support us, take our kids for a few hours, have your husband take my husband out for a few beers or a round of golf. Even find us a baby to adopt! Or just listen and say "you can do it"! Because, if I can get through this IVF with my mental faculties somewhat intact and my marriage intact, then I did something I didn't think I had the mental or physical ability to do so.

How am I doing? I just started my 4th and last IVF. That's how I am doing!!

I got a call from my nurse at the Fertility Specialist's office that I go to and she asked me how I was.  "Doing great!  I just started my 4th and last IVF. "  I always said I'd never do Fertility drugs but I have done 2 IUI's with mulitple injections in my stomach and one in my buttock area.  Those (obviously) failed and now I have done 3 IVF's with exhorbatent amounts of needle sticks.  Not to mention countless needle sticks from accupunture.  One treatment of accupunture required 69 needles going up and down my back.  I called it "Chinese Torture".  Today I only had to do 10 units of Lupron.  Lupron suppresses my hormones at the pituitary level.  I injected it into my upper thigh which doesn't hurt that much.  I have to save my stomach area for later pricks.  I also have to take Dexamethasone which is a steriod.  It decreases inflammation and reduces the inflammatory response of my body to foreign bodies (ie. the embryo) before the embryo transfer.  Which is interesting that I am doing this (as I have done this with all my transfers) bc they say that my body is rejecting the embryo bc it is a foreign object (as well as I having a clotting problem with the embryo not implanting bc of this).  I will have to email the nurse again to clarify why dexamethasone is not enough for my body as I also need an IV transfer of Intra Lipids.  Anyhow, also taking a baby aspirin, birth control pills and various vitamins.  Just want all this to be over!!! 
Kids have been a lot of fun.  Jackson is in preK in the afternoon so this morning I took him to 2 different parks that we had never been to before.  Loved watching him run ahead of me or watching him do anything.  Logan wanted to come with me to pick up Jackson after Logan got home from school bc a little boy in Jack's class has a sister that Logan has a crush on.  Then we all went to Wyatt's bday party at Jumpzone, dropped Logan off at Baseball practice on the way home, Jackson played with the neighbors and his toads and then got the kids off to bed. 
My one goal this IVF is to get upstairs every night at ten so I must sign off and try and meet this goal. At least for tonight!

Getting ready to start IVF #4!

I am going to attempt to keep a blog regarding our last attempt at IVF and want to caution those of you who are reading this. If you don't want to hear the nitty gritty of my life (my diary) then please stop reading now...I have been a lifetime journaler and need to journal for my mental well being but also as an archive of my life. I just don't want to forget certain things in my life. So, thus this blog!

I don't know how often I'll post but I know that in order to get through this last IVF, I need to vent and de stress by writing. I hope I don't offend anyone or make them think that I am feeling sorry for myself. The truth is: ....I am feeling sorry myself!!! This IVF business just sucks! We have been going through fertility doctors and procedures for 2 years and trying for this little one for 3 years! I am so tired of needle sticks, doctor appointments, vaginal ultrasouds, sex because we are trying and then monthyly disappointment of my period. Luckily I have a few very supportive sisters. Especially Annette who listens to me complain, cry and watches my kids endlessly. My Mom who listens, prays for me and also watches my kids. I also have wonderfully supportive friends like Colleen, Julie, Sue, Nora, Sarah, Becky, Julieanne, the 2 Jennifers, Robin, my highschool friends, Kimberly, Lori, Carrie, Shawna, Patricia, Ellen, and Andy. I know I have forgotten more friends and I am sorry..its late... Without you all...I don't know how I could get through this trying time in my life!!! I will never forget you all for your support be it listening to me or watching my kids, telling me I can do it or just being there for me.

Yes, I know I have 2 wonderfully healthy boys. Yes, I know that I choose to do this and I don't have some life threatening illness. I choose to torture myself with this up and down rollercoaster. I choose to continue each time. I just can't give up and have nothing to show for it. ...

Jennifer, you are amazing that you have struggled through breast cancer without complaining and you are sooo strong. I can't compare this struggle with a fight for a healthy life. No possible way for me to compare this with something like cancer.

This fertility struggle is because Dan and I feel the need to have another child. I just know there is another child waiting for us and I am fighting sooo hard to hold and love that child.


Starting Sept 16th I start injecting Lupron in the morning, in my thigh for 2 plus weeks, plus 2 oral meds, then on the 24th I add Ganirelix (shot into my stomach...), then on the 28th we add Follistim every day and that shot goes into my stomach fat. Moving forward, on top of all that we add Lovenox. Luckily thats an oral med. On the 30th we add Menopur ( I think that this goes into the buttocks too)...By this time I will be a hormonal mess! On October 1st I have to have an Intra Lipid IV because they think my body is rejecting the embryo and wont attach to the uterine wall. I do all those drugs until October 5th and have one more buttock injection of HCG which releases my eggs. 2 days later I go in for egg retrieval. I am put under anesthesia and they go in a grab as many healthy eggs and mix them with Dan's fresh sperm. Unfortunately while I am under he has to go into a small and smelly men's one room bathroom stall and well, you know...get his little guys...A very important step for our fertility run here but funny as the room is right near the nurses station and everyone knows what he is doing in there. Luckily Randy K. gave him some "movies" and he watches them to put him in the "mood". He has to do this standing up as this fertility place doesn't have a lounge like other fertilty places do. I am always nervous that he'll not be able to "perform'. But, he does. Thank you God! They (the Embryologist )then (that day) take his sperm and inject it into my egg and watch it grow. The next day, I wait for a call and hold my breath as they tell me how many embryos I have. 2 days after that we go in and then take the babies and insert them into my uterine wall and we pray that God makes them attach and grow!!!

Boo Hoo for me that we must go through this. I know I am doing it to myself and it is not necessarily necissary. This is very hard on Logan, Dan and my support system. I know. I have wasted many hours "working" on having this child and I could have been more productively spending them with my children. Logan has suffered as he thinks I am sick. But he also thinks all babies are made by God and doctors. Dan gets stressed bc of my 3 day bedrest (I LOVE THE BEDREST!!) and doc appointments and my complaining and more complaining and accidently hitting my buttock nerve and not being able to walk or sit without pain during the last ivf cycle. It is a strain on our family. BUT...I know it will all be worth it.