Getting ready to start IVF #4!

I am going to attempt to keep a blog regarding our last attempt at IVF and want to caution those of you who are reading this. If you don't want to hear the nitty gritty of my life (my diary) then please stop reading now...I have been a lifetime journaler and need to journal for my mental well being but also as an archive of my life. I just don't want to forget certain things in my life. So, thus this blog!

I don't know how often I'll post but I know that in order to get through this last IVF, I need to vent and de stress by writing. I hope I don't offend anyone or make them think that I am feeling sorry for myself. The truth is: ....I am feeling sorry myself!!! This IVF business just sucks! We have been going through fertility doctors and procedures for 2 years and trying for this little one for 3 years! I am so tired of needle sticks, doctor appointments, vaginal ultrasouds, sex because we are trying and then monthyly disappointment of my period. Luckily I have a few very supportive sisters. Especially Annette who listens to me complain, cry and watches my kids endlessly. My Mom who listens, prays for me and also watches my kids. I also have wonderfully supportive friends like Colleen, Julie, Sue, Nora, Sarah, Becky, Julieanne, the 2 Jennifers, Robin, my highschool friends, Kimberly, Lori, Carrie, Shawna, Patricia, Ellen, and Andy. I know I have forgotten more friends and I am sorry..its late... Without you all...I don't know how I could get through this trying time in my life!!! I will never forget you all for your support be it listening to me or watching my kids, telling me I can do it or just being there for me.

Yes, I know I have 2 wonderfully healthy boys. Yes, I know that I choose to do this and I don't have some life threatening illness. I choose to torture myself with this up and down rollercoaster. I choose to continue each time. I just can't give up and have nothing to show for it. ...

Jennifer, you are amazing that you have struggled through breast cancer without complaining and you are sooo strong. I can't compare this struggle with a fight for a healthy life. No possible way for me to compare this with something like cancer.

This fertility struggle is because Dan and I feel the need to have another child. I just know there is another child waiting for us and I am fighting sooo hard to hold and love that child.


Starting Sept 16th I start injecting Lupron in the morning, in my thigh for 2 plus weeks, plus 2 oral meds, then on the 24th I add Ganirelix (shot into my stomach...), then on the 28th we add Follistim every day and that shot goes into my stomach fat. Moving forward, on top of all that we add Lovenox. Luckily thats an oral med. On the 30th we add Menopur ( I think that this goes into the buttocks too)...By this time I will be a hormonal mess! On October 1st I have to have an Intra Lipid IV because they think my body is rejecting the embryo and wont attach to the uterine wall. I do all those drugs until October 5th and have one more buttock injection of HCG which releases my eggs. 2 days later I go in for egg retrieval. I am put under anesthesia and they go in a grab as many healthy eggs and mix them with Dan's fresh sperm. Unfortunately while I am under he has to go into a small and smelly men's one room bathroom stall and well, you know...get his little guys...A very important step for our fertility run here but funny as the room is right near the nurses station and everyone knows what he is doing in there. Luckily Randy K. gave him some "movies" and he watches them to put him in the "mood". He has to do this standing up as this fertility place doesn't have a lounge like other fertilty places do. I am always nervous that he'll not be able to "perform'. But, he does. Thank you God! They (the Embryologist )then (that day) take his sperm and inject it into my egg and watch it grow. The next day, I wait for a call and hold my breath as they tell me how many embryos I have. 2 days after that we go in and then take the babies and insert them into my uterine wall and we pray that God makes them attach and grow!!!

Boo Hoo for me that we must go through this. I know I am doing it to myself and it is not necessarily necissary. This is very hard on Logan, Dan and my support system. I know. I have wasted many hours "working" on having this child and I could have been more productively spending them with my children. Logan has suffered as he thinks I am sick. But he also thinks all babies are made by God and doctors. Dan gets stressed bc of my 3 day bedrest (I LOVE THE BEDREST!!) and doc appointments and my complaining and more complaining and accidently hitting my buttock nerve and not being able to walk or sit without pain during the last ivf cycle. It is a strain on our family. BUT...I know it will all be worth it.